Have you ever been around that person? The person that laughs loud, laughs often, is typically sarcastic and inappropriate on accident? They mean well and, you like them but, sometimes they’re just a little too much. Well, that’s me. I’m that girl. I have a big personality and I’m not afraid to use it.
Or, rather, I can’t help but use it. I’ve grown a lot over the past 5 years or so and, I’m getting better at toning myself down in certain situations but, I’m always going to struggle with being a little too much. And, it’s impacted my friendships and my life in astronomical ways.
You see, it all stems from me being deeply insecure (more to come on that in future posts). When I’m feeling the most comfortable and, the most myself I’m actually super quiet and a very “go-with-the-flow” type gal. When I’m not comfortable? I’m loud, I overcompensate and, I toe the line of being obnoxious. I know this about myself and, I typically catch it a little while into me doing it. But I just can’t help but falling into that habit of overcompensating to try and make every person in the room like me.
I’m always questioning if the people surrounding me actually want to be around me or, if they’re merely tolerating my presence. Which, as you can imagine, isn’t great for my anxiety and level of comfort, which feeds my overcompensation and, it’s just an infinite cycle.
This is why it’s so incredibly important for me to have a steady group of friends. I’ve been incredibly lucky throughout my life to have a handful of people that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, accept me all the way into my soul.
I’ve had one best friend since I was around 8 years old. She’s been the friend I’ve compared all my other friendships to. My true ride or die. If platonic soulmates are a thing, she’s mine. I’ve never questioned her affection or her loyalty to me. Our friendship has weathered us going to different schools, my sexual assault, me coming out late in life, her moving across the country for a couple of years, multiple breakups, family drama, and the birth of a child (my nephew is the cutest thing on this planet and I’m willing to fight over that). And, never once has she made me feel like our friendship is a burden. She’s provided unwavering support and, I’ve been so happy to do the same.
There is another group of friends that I met when I was around 17-18 when I moved closer to Columbus. They’re my girls. They went through my wildest phases with me and, they know me at my worst. They’re all (every single one of em), married now. Most of them either already have kids or they have babies on the way and, I’m so incredibly ecstatic for them! Our lives may look different and, we’ve calmed down A LOT since we first met but, I know that no matter what I can call them with any issue and they will drop everything and come running.
And then there’s my Columbus Crew. A few years ago I made the decision to start practicing Krav Maga and, it’s been the single best decision of my life. I’ve met so many amazing people because of that one decision. Through Krav Maga I met my two future roommates and, my tribe (I typically hate that word but, there’s nothing else I can find that fits it). They’re my family. My “Krav Krew” and my “Rugby Babies”.
Have you ever met people that you just inherently click with? That within minutes you feel like your soul recognized someone as someone it’s met before? And, you just fall into step with them so easily? That’s them. Whatever souls are made of, theirs and mine are the same.
I’ve been so incredibly lucky to find people who understand my soul. And, to find so many of them? I can’t even begin to put how grateful I am for that into words. I will never stop thanking the universe for them. The truth is, without any one of these groups I would lose my damn mind.
Which leads me to my actual point of this post which, despite my ramblings, isn’t to humble brag about how dope my friends are (even though they definitely are) but, to bring up how vitally important it is to find your people.
We’ve all been in groups before where everyone doesn’t seem entirely comfortable with each other and, everyone is just going through the motions. There are awkward pauses and, everyone seems to just be keeping up the pretenses just for the sake of it. Maybe they were friends years ago and, they’ve now grown apart. Maybe they’re coworkers and they’re trying to become friends outside of work. Who the hell knows? But, the one thing I do know is that forcing connections only breeds your insecurities and forces it to run deeper.
Will there be times when we have to interact with people that we don’t just inherently mesh with? Sure, that’s part of growing up and being an adult. And, it’s important to understand how to behave in those scenarios which, is something I’m still working on and will likely be working on for the rest of my life. But those aren’t the relationships you need to worry about and prioritize.
Prioritize the people that make your soul feel like it’s made of electricity; The people who whenever you’re with them your face hurts from smiling so much and your abs are tight from the incessant laughter. Prioritize those that make your insecurities go quiet and, who aren’t afraid to give you harsh criticisms (from a place of love) when they’re warranted.
Those are the relationships that you should focus on. Those are the people that you should hold in the highest esteem, no matter what. Because those are the people that are going to be there for you through thick and thin. That’s your family. You may not be blood but, to be honest that really doesn’t fucking matter. Because to them you aren’t too much.
I’m here to tell you that you aren’t wrong. You aren’t different. You aren’t weird. And, if you are those things, then they’re the same kind of wrong, different and weird as you are. So- go out, do something you love and find your people. Find them, hug them, and never let them go.