I can’t count the amount of times I’ve been curled up in bed, bored while Netflix droned on in the background, mindlessly swiping through every dating app on my phone. Glancing through profile after profile of frat boys and girls hiking with their dogs, each one of them talking about how much they love taco Tuesday and Tequila. Swiping right if you loved books and, left if you loved Trump. Not really paying any mind to if I thought we would be a good, long lasting match. I just liked their face and thought they seemed like they’d potentially be cool to hang out with, so they got a right swipe. And then it occurred to me, if I wasn’t really swiping for long-term potential, what was I actually looking for?
I mean sure, blanket statement is I’m looking for a partner. But, in that moment what I was actually doing was mindlessly going through potential matches because I needed something to pass the time. Let’s be real here – quarantine is fucking hard. And trying to find ways to keep yourself entertained while at home is daunting. So… I swiped.
So much time would pass that when I came out of my Tinder hole a whole hour would have gone by and I’ve done nothing actually productive. All I’ve done is stare at my phone and judge people that I’m likely never going to meet. And, when I would match with someone, the back and forth messaging with someone I have no hope of meeting at the current moment (stay at home order turn uppp) was just monotonous and kind of draining.
Sure, there’d likely be some fun back and forth if it was someone that I was starting get into. An exchange of nudes to spice things up but, mostly it was just a mind numbing tit for tat with no real substance to try and get through this pandemic. So, I sat down and took a really long look at what I was doing and why.
That’s when it hit me. I was using these menial, fleeting flirtationships to fill a void in my life. At the current moment, that void is legitimate human interaction and intimacy. And, each time I would send a racy sext or my favorite nudey to someone and they responded with how turned on they were, I would get a small high from the validation. I would feel like even though I was trapped in my house, unable to go out and flirt and talk and touch, I was accomplishing something. I was on my way to forging something. When, in reality, I was just using the person on the other end of the line as a way to stroke my ego.
So, I deleted all the apps. Bumble? Gone. Hinge? Gone. Tinder? Definitely gone. Every single online dating platform has had my profile removed and has been deleted from my phone.
At first, it was a little weird. I would find myself picking up my phone and unlocking it with the intent of getting on one of the apps to mindlessly swipe before I realized that they weren’t there anymore. I would have to force myself to be OK with the idea that I wasn’t going to get that high or that validation and, I would have to do something actually productive with my time to get what I was looking for.
I'm sure you're thinking 'why go through and delete everything'? Why not just stop mindlessly scrolling? The truth is, I’m an all or nothing type gal. If the dating apps were still on my phone, I was going to use them. And, what better time to shut out the outside world and really focus on myself, what I need, what I want and, what I’m looking for than when everything is locked down from quarantine? Why not use this time to better myself, to understand fully the type of partner I want, to focus inward instead of outward? It’s not like I can go on dates and actually meet face to face right now, anyway. So, I’m focusing on me.
The truth is, I have a lot of work to do on myself. I’ve been having casual sex without really bonding with anyone for quite some time (safely and with frequent STI screenings, of course). Sure, there were people that popped up that I formed a deeper connection with. Only one of them I’m still texting (and coincidentally that was the one person whose conversations have never once turned sexual and we’ve actually been spending this time getting to know each other). But, for the most part they’ve all been superficial relationships with people that I really wouldn’t want to form anything lasting with.
Through a lot of self-reflection, I realized I was doing this as a way to ensure I wouldn’t have to be truly vulnerable with any one person. I could be semi-vulnerable about different parts of myself with different people, allowing me to feign intimacy, vulnerability and closeness without having to actually be intimate, vulnerable, or close. It helped me keep people at arms-length while still getting the attention I was craving.
I can’t do the work required to unpack why I feel the need to keep people at a distance while still entertaining the forced situationships that allow me to do so. So, I cut them off. I’m using this time to look inward and unpack a lot of the issues keeping me from finding true and lasting connection.
I’m looking forward to the day where I can talk openly and honestly with a potential partner about who I am, what makes my soul soar, my passions, my likes and dislikes, and allow them to truly get to know me and I them without feeling fear that they’ll leave. I’m looking forward to being able to embrace love, knowing there’s a possibility it might end but leaning anyways… falling anyways. But I can’t get there while still being stagnant here. So, I deleted the apps to force myself to put down the crutch and grow.
It’ll be difficult and uncomfortable. I’ll probably complain a bit along the way. I’m still new into the journey and, that’s part of the reason I launched this blog. To give myself a place to document my journey to healing, self-love, and supreme happiness. And, deleting the dating apps has been and will continue to be an integral part of that. I may still be at the beginning of it and, there are bound to be challenges along the way. But it’s going to be so beautiful when I come out on the other side of it open, and ready to find real, lasting love.
So here I am. Trying to fix myself while the world is going to shit so that when everything starts to go back to normal, I can finally lean into future potential relationships without the ties that were holding me back.