Well, well, well… what have we here?
It’s definitely been a while, almost 2 years to be exact. It’s been a whirlwind during that time, that’s for damn sure. I wish I could fill you in on everything that’s happened but, frankly we’d be here for days and I don’t think either of us have that much time to spend reading just one blog post.
Probably the biggest thing that’s happened though, and the one I’ll be catching you up on now, is my decision to give up alcohol.
You might be asking yourself,
“Tricia, didn’t you first start this blog because you wanted to get sloshed on red wine and write about everything under the sun?”
Why, yes. Yes I did. But, as we all know ya girl loves nothing more than to keep ‘em guessing and now here we are. Sober and absolutely loving it.
Prior to the decision to start abstaining, I never thought of myself as having a problem with alcohol and, if you had asked my friends they would have told you the same thing. They would have looked at you and said “sure, she likes to have a good time but she’s not an alcoholic or anything” and that would have been that. But, the truth of it was I did have a problem with alcohol consumption, it’s just the way we think of alcoholism and alcohol use disorder as a whole is so incredibly flawed that no one, including myself, noticed there was an issue.
Mayoclinic defines alcohol use disorder as “a pattern of alcohol use that involves problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied by drinking, or continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems”. This disorder, just like with so many things in life, is a spectrum that encompasses everything from your stereotypical excess consumption and binge drinking, all the way to what we would consider full fledged, rock-bottom alcoholism.
The definition of alcoholism itself is widely varied but, the general consensus is that it is defined by consuming excess alcohol to one’s own detriment or to the detriment of others, giving no preference to whether that detriment is mental, physical, financial, etc. Alcoholism also operates on a spectrum from mild to severe.
So often when we think of what it means to be an alcoholic or to struggle with alcohol use disorder, we think of the “severe” end of the spectrum. The word alcoholic brings to mind someone who absolutely cannot function without a drop of it in their system, who is stumbling over themselves day and night, drinking themselves into a full blown black out multiple days a week, stealing from family members, friends, lovers, and strangers to ensure they get their fix. Which, sure, that’s some of it. There are plenty of people who identify as alcoholics who would absolutely fall into that category.
But, it’s also people like me. People who go out and once that first sip passes our lips we aren’t really able to control the amount we drink. People who have days long, violent hangovers that cause us to cancel appointments and call off work and then we continue to consume anyways. People who become an entirely different person when they drink. All of that and so much more applies to me… and it makes me an alcoholic.
It took a while for me to come to terms with using that word, just because I know the type of connotations it brings up when you say it out loud. But, I also think that’s why it's so important for people like me, people that didn’t get to rock-bottom before they decided to abstain, to use the term and to be open and honest about their struggles with alcohol dependency. Because then it takes some of the stigma off of others and allows them to spot that dependency within themselves a little more easily.
I’m currently ten months sober. My last drink was on September 10, 2021. Prior to that day I had been what’s now being called “sober-curious” for a while. I had flirted with sobriety a bit, constantly deciding to take a tolerance break only to meet up with my friends a few days later, see everyone drinking and think to myself ‘what’s one cocktail or beer going to hurt?’ Almost every single time that first drink would turn into two, which would quickly turn into five and would continue to snowball.
When that occurred, I would wake up in the morning with so much guilt and shame and, with my head pounding and stomach roiling I’d vow to give sobriety another shot. I would say to myself that if I could just do it for a week or a month, then I’d be able to go back to drinking and just do it moderately. Or, I’d barter with myself saying that I didn’t need to be fully sober to bring my tolerance down - I could just instill a two drink maximum when I went out and that would help keep me from feeling so shitty. Hindsight is strange because I look back on those moments now and I can see them for what they are,
simply the hollow words of an addict making bargains with herself to try and feel better.
I wish I could tell you why this time was different. Why 9/10/21 was the date that it stuck. To be 100% honest I’ve thought about it more than I probably should because I feel like if I can tie it all back to one second or one event that made the difference, I could use that to help others. But, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I search my brain I come up blank.
The only thing I can really provide is that the next morning, the shame set in but not just for the night before. In the haze of my hangover it was like I was finally able to see the pattern. I was able to look back with bleary eyes and see all the times I’d been in this exact same spot, having tried sobriety or tried cutting back and failed only to break promises to myself all over again. I could very clearly see the moment the compulsion to drink fully took control each time - and it was the second a sip of alcohol touched my lips. It was that realization more than anything that made me realize that I had an issue with drinking and that I needed to take sobriety seriously.
I quit cold turkey that morning. Told all of my close friends that I was giving up alcohol and that it was something that I needed them to take as seriously as I was. They were incredibly supportive (albeit a little confused).
The first week went by without a hitch. I was mildly uncomfortable when I had a stressful day at work and had to figure out how to deal without grabbing a bottle of wine but, nothing too major. After that first week I would have told you I had this sobriety thing in the bag. Oh, what a silly little fool I was.
I was not prepared for just how hard things would become. The truth of it is that it isn’t until you’re on the other side of things that you start to fully understand just how much your vices have impacted you. As time wore on, the cravings for a drink became vicious.
I would go out with friends, just like I always used to, and find my mouth watering at the sight of a beer. And, the longer I was sitting there without drinking I’d find myself getting agitated and shaky. It didn’t just happen when I was in an environment where others were drinking, either. There were days when alcohol was all I could think about. I would sit on my own and fantasize about what it would feel like if I walked into the kitchen and cracked open one of my roommates bottles of gin.
When I would take myself out to lunch, I’d be consumed with thoughts and fantasies about ordering a cocktail or a glass of wine to go with my meal.The words no one would know would echo through my mind on a loop and I’d envision it in my head, watching me ordering a drink or two and enjoying them with my food and then walking out of the restaurant like nothing happened, not telling a soul. No. One. Would. Know. I could leave afterwards and everyone would think I was still sober.
I was also forced to start facing my emotions. In the past, if I had an incredibly stressful day or was experiencing intense feelings I could just go out and get drunk to blow off steam. I could drown my sorrows or my rage in a bottle until I forgot that it existed. And, all of a sudden, without that coping mechanism I now had to figure out how to deal with these things in a healthy manner.
It was fucking exhausting.
The cravings and the moments of “no one would know” have gotten better as time has worn on. They’re still there but they're much less frequent. But, I still wish I had been more prepared to tackle them head on - especially at the beginning of my sobriety journey.
It wasn’t until months after where I started really looking back and analyzing my past behavior and relationship with alcohol. My foray into sobriety caused me to question so many things about my life, wondering what else in my life I thought had been serving me but was actually causing me harm.
It was then that I did what I do best. I started shitposting my thoughts onto TikTok. And, what I at first thought would just be a little diary vlog just for me to go back to watch my journey with sobriety and finding myself has now turned into an entire community of people who are either questioning their relationship with alcohol or, are also on a journey to discover who they truly are and what things in their life might be holding them back. It was that community that made me start to get curious about what alcoholism truly was. Through them sharing their stories, it helped me come to terms with my own.
It’s so incredibly surreal to look back over the course of the last 10 months to see just how much things have changed. Not just because of my sobriety, even though that’s a huge contributor and was the spark that lit the flame. But, because the way I view the world has changed so vastly and continues to do so every single day.
There’s so much more that I could tell you about sobriety, about my journey to find myself, and all of the things I had to learn and unlearn over the course of the last 10 months. And don’t worry - there will be future posts to cover all of it (and I’m sure a thousand more things as well). But, I don’t want to keep you here all night.
All I do know is that, for me, giving up alcohol absolutely changed my life for the better and in so many ways that I never could have anticipated. And if me sharing my journey helps spark a greater conversation about the way we as a society view alcohol… then that’ll be just fine by me.
That’s all for now folks.
XOXO,
-T